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Centrelink's Arnold Dubb and the Bush fairies

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Who said that public servants are boring people?

It doesn’t include crusty old Arnold Dubb, with his thick glasses, employed with the P.S. in north Queensland.

Let me illustrate:
One day a young man, on a perennial holiday, came into his small Centrelink office.

It was situated in what some have described as a high-density drug use area with a transient population enjoying glorious North Qld weather. However each year there is an influx of “Bush Fairies.”

So why did an old public servant coin this unusual name?

Arnold actually gets rid of work stress by conjuring up secret categories for folk we could easily refer to as practising work avoidance or dole bludging, that is if we weren’t politically correct. Arnold safely keeps these names to himself, except for the one he is now sharing with all of us.

This is Arnold’s “position description” for a Bush fairy:

“These people usually have never done a days work in their lives and only exist to intake the superb herb or magic mushies, and thus expand their consciousness, being one with mother nature and the spirit of North Qld’s forest and the universe at the same time.”

Far from boring

So Bush Fairy, or BF, moved to sunny north Qld, and his visit to Arnold’s small office, in a small town, with no employment prospects, was about to bring disaster, akin to a Centrelink cyclone. He was about to incur a 6 month non payment period. It was serious stuff.

Bush Fairy proved he was a real artisan by limping into Centerlink, supported by a crutch-shaped stick he had found, and clutching what was obviously a medical certificate.

He limped up to Arnie’s desk, and passed over the medical document.
Old Arnold was flabbergasted because he expected something like a sprained ankle etc.

“Week away walter special”

Many public servants describe this certificate as a “Week Away Walter Special.” It seems that every town has a doctor that is only too happy to provide medical certificates for anyone.

The medical condition was, wait for it, “Anxiety & Depression,” but how did that fit with the limp and the crutch.

It seems that BF had played his trump card on this northern holiday because he had never lodged a medical certificate before for anything, in 10 years of unemployment.

After some healthy banter, Arnold fixed him solidly with: “You can not remain in this area as it is an area of low employment and if you remain you will be cancelled for 6 mths.”

Find another psychiatrist

Whereupon BF countered with: “But I have a medical certificate and I’m not looking for work.”

“I worked that out, and that is why you cannot remain,” Arnold replied.

“But I have a doctor’s certificate, You have to accept it.”

“No I don’t my boy. I can reject any medical certificate pending further assessment and before you can get approval to remain you will have to get a report from a treating mental health professional. You can attend the mental health centre at Cairns Base hospital just down the road, and they will assess you. If the treating psychiatrist advises that you need to be in the area for your mental health then you can remain.”

Needing a second opinion

“But that could take months.”

“Very probably but you can remain in that city area until then with full approval.”

“But my doctor has already diagnosed me.”

“True but this doctor is a GP not a consulting psychiatrist. Has she made an appointment or given you a referral to the mental health unit? If not go back to Byron Bay, see the GP and get one. I also note that prior to arriving in this town you had no health problems mental or otherwise, so obviously this town is not good for your health.”

Now here’s the bit where Bush Fairies can be very entertaining:

BF blurted: “It’s dealing with government people like you that causes me anxiety, and anyway I can lodge 2 out-of-area forms, can’t I?”

“Indeed you can.”
Good, I’m on a 3-monthly-lodgement so that will give me 6 mths,” he chortled in triumph.

Bureaucratic knee in the groin

It was time for what Arnold describes as the bureaucratic knee in the groin, and BF would be requiring his crutch.

“You mean you WERE on a 3 monthly lodgement. As of right now you are back on fortnightly lodgement. I have updated your address to be care of the post office Cairns and I am contacting the Byron Bay office to let them know that you and all your mates waiting outside are in the north, and that their addresses will all be changed to Cairns. This means you cannot return to Byron Bay unless you have direct family living at the seaside, or you will be cancelled for 6 mths.” “Tell all your mates this will be standard for this area from now on.”

Bush Fairy had discovered mental anguish. His certificate was being fulfilled.

“But this has never happened up here before,” he whined, suddenly coming to terms with what was happening.

“That is because previously I was never in this area!” (Old Arnold didn’t know it, but he was suddenly the scourge of Bush Fairies.)

Bush fairy turns nasty

It was at this point BF made the biggest mistake of his work-fudging life when he turned on Arnold and snarled, “My taxes pay your wages.”

This was not a good idea because Arnie had checked the BF’s record and he had actually come onto dole payment the day he turned 16 and he was now a healthy 27. In those 10 years he had not worked for one day. And here BF was telling Centrelink that his phantom taxes paid some Public Servant’s wages.

Arnold took a deep breath, fired right up, leant over and growled with the most vicious Public servant edge he could muster, “Boy you came on the dole when you turned 16 and since then you have not done a days work from which you could pay tax. My taxes pay your dole, not the other way around!”

A transformed Bush Fairy realised he had blundered badly and ran out the door. His limp had disappeared and he never came back.

Word of Bush Fairy’s torment spread quickly to all non-working-surfie-touristy-types in that area.

Arnold figured this out based on the reduced number that trickled into his out of the way dole office. They developed a new condition known as NBARB. It is basically a fear of never being able to return to Byron Bay.

Those few moments of crusty public service honesty had worked wonders for Bush Fairy. His limp was cured and his depression had vanished. It was a miracle.

For all your cartoon needs, Peter Sanderson, p_sanderson@optusnet.com.au

Inform and entertain with Sanderson Media, words, photography and cartoons.

(Sanderson Media's breezy writing style and great images can get your message out to the world) contact john@sanderson-media.com

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Comments

I enjoyed reading this article. Nice cartoon.
— Ben Hamilton Feb 1, 6:03pm #

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